"I'm not gone"
So it's been a while. I still don't know what to write but I thought I'd write you all a short note just to say, "I'm not gone".
In some ways I've slipped back into my old self. You know the one that's questioning every single face I see around my neighborhood - Are they poisoned by their lies? The bad people that hurt me to death some years ago now - They STILL hurt me. The people with NO insight into themselves. The bullies that finally drove me to radical actions towards myself. The people not worth anything but they got my attention and obviously still gets it... They knew - 'Cause I told them, you told them and they told them - But did they listen, could they see? No - They just kept to their own story, spread it with the wind and Internet - So how could I know? How could I know who's filled with the wrong story? How can I trust anyone?
/S
In some ways I've slipped back into my old self. You know the one that's questioning every single face I see around my neighborhood - Are they poisoned by their lies? The bad people that hurt me to death some years ago now - They STILL hurt me. The people with NO insight into themselves. The bullies that finally drove me to radical actions towards myself. The people not worth anything but they got my attention and obviously still gets it... They knew - 'Cause I told them, you told them and they told them - But did they listen, could they see? No - They just kept to their own story, spread it with the wind and Internet - So how could I know? How could I know who's filled with the wrong story? How can I trust anyone?
/S
Obama
I voted for you and you won - For the first time in my life I voted for a candidate that actually won!!! This feels important 'cause your first years will be mine too. I'll be moving back to Texas, USA in the beginning of next year and I feel great about haven taken the opportunity to vote for you and I'm proud to be one of the 44% Texans that voted "Obama".
There is a great abyss from out of the depth you will have to pull facts like economy, war and foreign policy. But out of the depth they'll come one way or another. I won't expect change to come within weeks, months or years but with the collective will and power of the people we will definitely bring these facts up, dust them off and have them see daylight again.
Thank you and a warm welcome to the White House, Mr. Obama!!!
/Sara
PS. I found this after I posted my post when thinking if Bruce Springsteen, who was on stage for Barak Obama, had written anything about the election on his website. He has always been a man good with words and a very humble profet. I've listened to his music since I was a kid of about 5 years old. Read the beautiful comments of Bruce Springsteen from November 2 here.
It's beautiful
I bet it's still beautiful. The weather report shows thunderstorms but they never show up. It's a golden city, Austin. Golden smiles, golden hearts and golden souls. Homesick is the word. There is a lump in my chest big as the state of Texas and not an hour goes by without a teary eye. Here the city is gray. I choose to use my brown tinted sunglasses to make things look a bit more colorful. I'm thinking back and I'm thinking of the future. This is what has been and also what is to come. The chapter here is over, finished, done.
Take the pills, cut your wrists or bear the chains
Well. Mood follows the weather and there's a storm wake.
Saturday my hubby and I went out to enjoy a beer. Ended up meeting a girl from the yoga studio that is a very warm and kind person - We had a lovely chat. On our way home we came to talk about the past and people contrary to the yoga friend. People from the past that really made us sick and out of the blue on what was the haze on a Saturday night at Möllevången in Malmö three of the big bugs came flying… Intestinal parasites in a way. I've stated the obvious more than once. I have to get out of here.
Sunday night I spent time in front of a documentary on a kid with Aspergers. The unwillingness people have to learn about what is beyond words and behavior - The shell of a human - Is to me frightening. He had a diagnosis. I wonder how much of that so called diagnosis would be left if you peel off the layers of years of bullying. The layers of social paint that are so hard to wash out. The layers that I struggle so hard with almost every day. I don't have a syndrome, diagnosis or anything like that. I'm just discolored… I pass out a Internet hug to you, Adam. You are worth more than you know and give yourself credit for. 'Cause that's the hard part. Giving oneself credit when there is no warmth towards the self left inside. When they have stolen it or frozen it. I hope Adam was right in his view of the future - Going on into the world of high school. He said something like it will probably be easier to make friends and meet girls because people are more grownup and will know more automatically therefore not be mean and bully. Oh I hope for Adams sake that his thoughts came true.
Here in my world grownups are the enemies. They haven't come that far from the mean little clicks of kids that beat each up around the schoolyard or call each other bad things. Adults degrade, slander, isolate and freeze you out. The problem with many of them is that they know EXACTLY what they are doing - Instead of physical the get psychological. They are not kids that do not understand better. The fully understand and they even plan and network themselves around you. Keep feeding the fire even though years pass and social interaction doesn't exist. Thanks to the Internet anyone can join in - Join the party in ruining a person's life. Oh what fun and it makes them grow and feel so much better, right? When will I get over the feeling of worthlessness? When will I be able to move on? I don't necessarily want to forget. Well maybe I would like to forget the massive implosion that was a tour a couple of years ago. The combined strain and environment lived in on the road resembled so many other tours and caused so much hidden frustration and feelings to burst and resulted in a hotel room, razor and a very bloody towel. How did I get that close? Didn't that sign yell loud enough at me - GET OUT? Nights - The time when the barrier can't hold the thoughts back. How many sad nights didn't I think about the old codeine pills in my bedside table, the cough medicine in the fridge containing morphine? How many times didn't I try a little of it when I really didn't have any ailments other than the constant voices in my head? The echo of their words and I wanted to quiet them. The echo of voices that soon faded and turned into an eerie silence when they started the freeze out.
I wish I could stop beating around the bush and tell you all the entire story instead of these abstract feelings around it. Let the truth reach the Internet - Which would be about time… I will someday. Maybe then I'll be able to break the chains that keep me fettered to a past that I don't necessarily want to se forgotten. I'd rather come to peace with it and turn it into something of use, something good. But for now this is what it is. Today my thoughts are with Adam.
/S
Saturday my hubby and I went out to enjoy a beer. Ended up meeting a girl from the yoga studio that is a very warm and kind person - We had a lovely chat. On our way home we came to talk about the past and people contrary to the yoga friend. People from the past that really made us sick and out of the blue on what was the haze on a Saturday night at Möllevången in Malmö three of the big bugs came flying… Intestinal parasites in a way. I've stated the obvious more than once. I have to get out of here.
Sunday night I spent time in front of a documentary on a kid with Aspergers. The unwillingness people have to learn about what is beyond words and behavior - The shell of a human - Is to me frightening. He had a diagnosis. I wonder how much of that so called diagnosis would be left if you peel off the layers of years of bullying. The layers of social paint that are so hard to wash out. The layers that I struggle so hard with almost every day. I don't have a syndrome, diagnosis or anything like that. I'm just discolored… I pass out a Internet hug to you, Adam. You are worth more than you know and give yourself credit for. 'Cause that's the hard part. Giving oneself credit when there is no warmth towards the self left inside. When they have stolen it or frozen it. I hope Adam was right in his view of the future - Going on into the world of high school. He said something like it will probably be easier to make friends and meet girls because people are more grownup and will know more automatically therefore not be mean and bully. Oh I hope for Adams sake that his thoughts came true.
Here in my world grownups are the enemies. They haven't come that far from the mean little clicks of kids that beat each up around the schoolyard or call each other bad things. Adults degrade, slander, isolate and freeze you out. The problem with many of them is that they know EXACTLY what they are doing - Instead of physical the get psychological. They are not kids that do not understand better. The fully understand and they even plan and network themselves around you. Keep feeding the fire even though years pass and social interaction doesn't exist. Thanks to the Internet anyone can join in - Join the party in ruining a person's life. Oh what fun and it makes them grow and feel so much better, right? When will I get over the feeling of worthlessness? When will I be able to move on? I don't necessarily want to forget. Well maybe I would like to forget the massive implosion that was a tour a couple of years ago. The combined strain and environment lived in on the road resembled so many other tours and caused so much hidden frustration and feelings to burst and resulted in a hotel room, razor and a very bloody towel. How did I get that close? Didn't that sign yell loud enough at me - GET OUT? Nights - The time when the barrier can't hold the thoughts back. How many sad nights didn't I think about the old codeine pills in my bedside table, the cough medicine in the fridge containing morphine? How many times didn't I try a little of it when I really didn't have any ailments other than the constant voices in my head? The echo of their words and I wanted to quiet them. The echo of voices that soon faded and turned into an eerie silence when they started the freeze out.
I wish I could stop beating around the bush and tell you all the entire story instead of these abstract feelings around it. Let the truth reach the Internet - Which would be about time… I will someday. Maybe then I'll be able to break the chains that keep me fettered to a past that I don't necessarily want to se forgotten. I'd rather come to peace with it and turn it into something of use, something good. But for now this is what it is. Today my thoughts are with Adam.
/S
Mastering
So - Just to write something.
Yesterday my A-side single song for the split single w/ David & the Citizens went to mastering! So you know. Some things are actually going on!
We are just waiting to fix the cover art.
/Sara
Yesterday my A-side single song for the split single w/ David & the Citizens went to mastering! So you know. Some things are actually going on!
We are just waiting to fix the cover art.
/Sara
A thought
In some countries tabloids sell a lot - One could say they "rule" as the daily reading. People gorge themselves into whatever tragedy is headlined.
Between these countries I see two "common denominators" - Lack of fright and lack of sorrow. These are basic feelings that are built into every single human.
If we take Sweden as an example. The people of this country live a "safe" life. We have no earthquakes, violent reoccurring storms like tornadoes and hurricanes, forest fires, tsunami risks, poisonous snakes/spiders or man-eating animals - A non-lethal environment. Most tragedies are personal.
People adopt these personal tragedies and this spreads nation wide - Trough the tabloids. The tragedies become national grief. This feeds the tabloids to gather more - Exploit more.
Take recent murder cases and the tsunami catastrophe. For weeks, months and years these events become headline material. And people buy it! Gorging themselves in something that doesn't really belong to them! And it's not only the humanitarian in them - The compassion - It's the fact that they turn someone else's tragedy into their own portal to feel fright and sorrow. So depraved of their own feelings they apply something that is not theirs.
Note: Feeling compassion and gorging in tabloid headlines are NOT the same thing. Compassion is also a basic feeling that too few know in a pure way in today's society. True compassion that is. Pay your condolences and send good thoughts to the people who need it.
I get tired - So tired. You see it everywhere - People talk about it EVERYWHERE.
Don't get me started on the reason why people buy these paparazzi picture magazines - For instance the witch-hunt on Britney Spears, celebrity cellulite or drug abuse. That is the result of low or even non-existing self-esteem. Oh look at her misery - That makes me feel better.
It's a SICK world we live in and I pay my condolences to the people that live without contact with their own feelings. I feel sorry for you and hope you feel better sometime in life.
/Sara
Between these countries I see two "common denominators" - Lack of fright and lack of sorrow. These are basic feelings that are built into every single human.
If we take Sweden as an example. The people of this country live a "safe" life. We have no earthquakes, violent reoccurring storms like tornadoes and hurricanes, forest fires, tsunami risks, poisonous snakes/spiders or man-eating animals - A non-lethal environment. Most tragedies are personal.
People adopt these personal tragedies and this spreads nation wide - Trough the tabloids. The tragedies become national grief. This feeds the tabloids to gather more - Exploit more.
Take recent murder cases and the tsunami catastrophe. For weeks, months and years these events become headline material. And people buy it! Gorging themselves in something that doesn't really belong to them! And it's not only the humanitarian in them - The compassion - It's the fact that they turn someone else's tragedy into their own portal to feel fright and sorrow. So depraved of their own feelings they apply something that is not theirs.
Note: Feeling compassion and gorging in tabloid headlines are NOT the same thing. Compassion is also a basic feeling that too few know in a pure way in today's society. True compassion that is. Pay your condolences and send good thoughts to the people who need it.
I get tired - So tired. You see it everywhere - People talk about it EVERYWHERE.
Don't get me started on the reason why people buy these paparazzi picture magazines - For instance the witch-hunt on Britney Spears, celebrity cellulite or drug abuse. That is the result of low or even non-existing self-esteem. Oh look at her misery - That makes me feel better.
It's a SICK world we live in and I pay my condolences to the people that live without contact with their own feelings. I feel sorry for you and hope you feel better sometime in life.
/Sara
Broder Daniel Forever - Anders Göthberg RIP
My deepest condolences to the people close to Anders.
Let love and memories live on.
Take care of each other.
Words are abundant...
/Sara
Is religion trying to tell me something?
The sun is out but I feel like shit. When is all this going to come to an end? When will I be strong enough to let go, release and let things be? Come to peace.
This year four years ago I was diagnosed with skin cancer - The most lethal form of cancer there is. I was lucky they caught it on time and I only required two sessions of surgery. A few years before that I tore the ligaments and meniscus in my left leg and got extremely ill when a blood clot followed and I had to eat blood thinners for half a year. A few years before that I had surgery because they found a big tumor on my thyroid (sköldkörtel). All these events strangely enough happened the week around Easter every one of the years. I think that can add to the fact that I always feel easily vulnerable around this time. Maybe this is religion trying to tell me something - Team up with Jesus or something like that. Unfortunately I'm a cynic. I tend to paint things in black rather than hoping for a positive change and start to believe in Jesus, the universe or whatever is out there and that is dangerous when it comes to the illnesses I've had. I have to learn to hope again. If I can't stop the negative feelings in my life caused by others OR myself I might get ill again. I need a change... I miss my friend, Ginny. She lives on an island off the coast of Seattle in the US of A. That's just way too far away...
I'm going to go down in the basement to do some laundry and maybe after that I'll go sit on a bench in the park like some old person...
David wrote a lovely piece of what his fist two albums actually were about - His mothers death. It's in Swedish. Aren't we a jolly couple???
This year four years ago I was diagnosed with skin cancer - The most lethal form of cancer there is. I was lucky they caught it on time and I only required two sessions of surgery. A few years before that I tore the ligaments and meniscus in my left leg and got extremely ill when a blood clot followed and I had to eat blood thinners for half a year. A few years before that I had surgery because they found a big tumor on my thyroid (sköldkörtel). All these events strangely enough happened the week around Easter every one of the years. I think that can add to the fact that I always feel easily vulnerable around this time. Maybe this is religion trying to tell me something - Team up with Jesus or something like that. Unfortunately I'm a cynic. I tend to paint things in black rather than hoping for a positive change and start to believe in Jesus, the universe or whatever is out there and that is dangerous when it comes to the illnesses I've had. I have to learn to hope again. If I can't stop the negative feelings in my life caused by others OR myself I might get ill again. I need a change... I miss my friend, Ginny. She lives on an island off the coast of Seattle in the US of A. That's just way too far away...
I'm going to go down in the basement to do some laundry and maybe after that I'll go sit on a bench in the park like some old person...
David wrote a lovely piece of what his fist two albums actually were about - His mothers death. It's in Swedish. Aren't we a jolly couple???
Fight or Flee
It's noon and we just finished watching "Little Miss Sunshine" while having breakfast. GREAT movie. David finally rented it yesterday and we've been wanting to see it for ages. Unfortunately yesterday became "too-late-and-too-tired-to-watch-a-good-movie-ish" so we watched a crappy movie with commercial breaks on TV instead.
I got an email from my dad today and also a good comment on my blog. Thanks to Dad and M for inspiring me to write this blog. I'll see if I can touch the subject without going too far from the essence.
I've been torn between the two - Fight or flee. I can sometimes feel that I have done wrongly in posting true feelings on this blog. Feelings that should not be published but kept in my own private sphere. What made me post has not only been my frustration and feeling of if I don't post - I'll explode. I also chose to post because I asked myself what I would like from some creative person to share. I know I've always loved the close feeling I get to music I like. I would love to know the person more and what is going on in the head that is creating the music I love and spend so much time with. What keeps the mind ticking and what keep the songs coming? I chose to post things that could answer at least one or two of the questions that would pop up in my own head if I were someone listening to myself and not knowing the person that is me - Sara.
***
I took a break and thought that I was going to take a walk... It didn't happen so now I'm writing again.
***
I haven't posted a lot of things. It's sad 'cause I know I would love to post a word document I have lying here on the computer. It's a document containing descriptions of what thoughts and stories lie behind my demos and what lies behind every song from "Miss Takes - Light The Night!". The sad part about that is that the descriptions are very personal. I would love for people to know what my songs really are about but since things have been out of hand for me and since there are some people out there turning truth around to stab David and I in the back both he and I choose not to write. Our real honest and true feelings would be to write it all out. But what would be the outcome of it? ...
I believe I have the right to go on about things on this blog. I think it's important to write. I think that if a businessperson that would like to sign me passes by and reads my blog and thinks - That sure was unprofessionally written - Then screw them! I believe that the 100+ new people a day that reads this and the 100+ people who visit regularly come here to read 'cause they are interested. I also know that some come here to fish for self-esteem boosting stuff when I'm down and out and to that I say - Good for you! I'm glad my misery can make you feel better. That's a really tragic life these people have going that need other peoples misery to keep them going and feeling better about themselves. For instance - Take tabloids and the how media is witch hunting poor Britney Spears - Because people want to read about crap - True or false - Just to make them feel better! Sometimes I wish I could really, fully and truly turn my back towards humanity...
So I guess what I've been doing here would be an almost silent fight or a coward's way to flee. I'm afraid to write all that's been going on but I'm not totally quiet. I moan and complain in words without music at the moment. There will be more music. You just wait and see. And then maybe someday, SOMEDAY when we are far away from here. I'll write the full entire truth instead of beating around the bush. Not fighting, not fleeing. Merely telling the truth and blogging about it.
/Sara
I got an email from my dad today and also a good comment on my blog. Thanks to Dad and M for inspiring me to write this blog. I'll see if I can touch the subject without going too far from the essence.
I've been torn between the two - Fight or flee. I can sometimes feel that I have done wrongly in posting true feelings on this blog. Feelings that should not be published but kept in my own private sphere. What made me post has not only been my frustration and feeling of if I don't post - I'll explode. I also chose to post because I asked myself what I would like from some creative person to share. I know I've always loved the close feeling I get to music I like. I would love to know the person more and what is going on in the head that is creating the music I love and spend so much time with. What keeps the mind ticking and what keep the songs coming? I chose to post things that could answer at least one or two of the questions that would pop up in my own head if I were someone listening to myself and not knowing the person that is me - Sara.
***
I took a break and thought that I was going to take a walk... It didn't happen so now I'm writing again.
***
I haven't posted a lot of things. It's sad 'cause I know I would love to post a word document I have lying here on the computer. It's a document containing descriptions of what thoughts and stories lie behind my demos and what lies behind every song from "Miss Takes - Light The Night!". The sad part about that is that the descriptions are very personal. I would love for people to know what my songs really are about but since things have been out of hand for me and since there are some people out there turning truth around to stab David and I in the back both he and I choose not to write. Our real honest and true feelings would be to write it all out. But what would be the outcome of it? ...
I believe I have the right to go on about things on this blog. I think it's important to write. I think that if a businessperson that would like to sign me passes by and reads my blog and thinks - That sure was unprofessionally written - Then screw them! I believe that the 100+ new people a day that reads this and the 100+ people who visit regularly come here to read 'cause they are interested. I also know that some come here to fish for self-esteem boosting stuff when I'm down and out and to that I say - Good for you! I'm glad my misery can make you feel better. That's a really tragic life these people have going that need other peoples misery to keep them going and feeling better about themselves. For instance - Take tabloids and the how media is witch hunting poor Britney Spears - Because people want to read about crap - True or false - Just to make them feel better! Sometimes I wish I could really, fully and truly turn my back towards humanity...
So I guess what I've been doing here would be an almost silent fight or a coward's way to flee. I'm afraid to write all that's been going on but I'm not totally quiet. I moan and complain in words without music at the moment. There will be more music. You just wait and see. And then maybe someday, SOMEDAY when we are far away from here. I'll write the full entire truth instead of beating around the bush. Not fighting, not fleeing. Merely telling the truth and blogging about it.
/Sara
Explanation
For those of you who don't know what that other post was about - Let's just say that people have spread a rumor that is nothing more that a disgusting lie built upon more lies. And as the story spreads it evolves into stranger and stranger things. You know that whispering game when you whisper into another person's ear and then that person passes it on to the next etc. Something like:
She's got a nice rug.
That can easily get transformed into:
She's rotten ass bug.
What went in is not exactly what comes out... ... ... Basically like poo - Even a nice, fresh salad stinks when it comes out... ... ...
If you know what I mean. Don't believe everything you read or hear. There are some people out there that have done some really bad things towards David and me and instead of letting it show they cover it all up with lies. Even though I know all the crap that is being said about me isn't true I feel that the more I see and know the harder it is for me to brace myself and detach myself from it. Since my story goes waaaay back - About five years (even more) - I have been bracing and detaching for a long time. What can seem a minor hit to you becomes a big hit for me. I bet some of you know what I mean. I know, of all the several hundred that check my blog every day, some of you have to know what it feels like to be bullied. Don't you? BTW - Thanks to Janina - The only one who dared to place a comforting comment.
Every day my mind keeps racing - Constantly struggling to keep the bad thoughts from taking over. The only brake I get is during my 90 minute Bikram Yoga class - That's when I shut off. Entirely. Once a day or two times a day. 90 minutes of stillness in 41 degrees Celsius/105 degrees Fahrenheit/50% humidity when my body sweats, bends, stretches and compresses. Control of fight and flee response - Try to apply that upon the life that is outside the yoga studio... This is the only time my brain gives me a break. No analyzing and no beating down. Just stillness. In that warm room where nobody can catch me, touch me or break me. I'm unbreakable and undefeatable.
My favorite - Full Camel once again.
Picture from www.idaripley.com
For all of you in the States - Go check out Oppenheimer opening for They Might Be Giants. I wish I could. I'm soon to be selling everything I own just to be able to get out of this country to the US so that I can see them more often. Tour dates are on their MySpace here. My dear Belfast boys - If only everyone could be as great as you are!
She's got a nice rug.
That can easily get transformed into:
She's rotten ass bug.
What went in is not exactly what comes out... ... ... Basically like poo - Even a nice, fresh salad stinks when it comes out... ... ...
If you know what I mean. Don't believe everything you read or hear. There are some people out there that have done some really bad things towards David and me and instead of letting it show they cover it all up with lies. Even though I know all the crap that is being said about me isn't true I feel that the more I see and know the harder it is for me to brace myself and detach myself from it. Since my story goes waaaay back - About five years (even more) - I have been bracing and detaching for a long time. What can seem a minor hit to you becomes a big hit for me. I bet some of you know what I mean. I know, of all the several hundred that check my blog every day, some of you have to know what it feels like to be bullied. Don't you? BTW - Thanks to Janina - The only one who dared to place a comforting comment.
Every day my mind keeps racing - Constantly struggling to keep the bad thoughts from taking over. The only brake I get is during my 90 minute Bikram Yoga class - That's when I shut off. Entirely. Once a day or two times a day. 90 minutes of stillness in 41 degrees Celsius/105 degrees Fahrenheit/50% humidity when my body sweats, bends, stretches and compresses. Control of fight and flee response - Try to apply that upon the life that is outside the yoga studio... This is the only time my brain gives me a break. No analyzing and no beating down. Just stillness. In that warm room where nobody can catch me, touch me or break me. I'm unbreakable and undefeatable.
My favorite - Full Camel once again.
Picture from www.idaripley.com
For all of you in the States - Go check out Oppenheimer opening for They Might Be Giants. I wish I could. I'm soon to be selling everything I own just to be able to get out of this country to the US so that I can see them more often. Tour dates are on their MySpace here. My dear Belfast boys - If only everyone could be as great as you are!
...
I don't know how much more of this I can handle... People know NOTHING of what has been going on and now they are contributing to breaking me. I'm trying to get better after being bullied for 5 years and everything just keeps spreading and everything is a mess. Just leave me alone or learn to love.
Got to go outside
And today is Sunday - Again. Another week is over and tomorrow a new one starts. I'm about to go out for a little walk but it's cold out and inside is not so cold.
My friends Rocky and Shaun of the band Oppenheimer are out on tour. Ireland and then the US as US-ually for them. They really deserve it. The best band in the world and I can't wait until their new album is out! I can't believe it's almost been a year since we got together in Austin at SXSW. I can't believe how we only had four days there. My family - People whom I haven't met in 13 years were there every day, supported and hung out. How do you sum up 13 years in four days?
I saw woxy.com's line-up for this year's SXSW broadcast. Great bands and this time there will be two Swedish contributions - Shout Out Louds and Peter Morén from Peter, Bjorn and John. I hope they do great and that everything works out great - Matt, Mike and Joe are the greatest and woxy.com is very close to my heart - Listen to woxy.com here!
The lily and roses I got from David for Valentines Day smell lovely - They are so beautiful. Flowers are all over the parks now - Yellow, white and blue. Kind of early but since there has been now snow or winter to speak of - It's not that strange. Global warming I guess.
I have a lovely new friend that's from Greenland and she told me that these past years have been really strange up there. Summer temperatures around 29 degrees C / 84 degrees F and in the winter they have been having to take the boat to the closest big city for shopping - That instead of driving over ice. There we go. It's getting hot in here and I want to get out.
I really need to go out now.
Does anybody have any stories about flying transatlantic with cats?
XO,
Sara
My friends Rocky and Shaun of the band Oppenheimer are out on tour. Ireland and then the US as US-ually for them. They really deserve it. The best band in the world and I can't wait until their new album is out! I can't believe it's almost been a year since we got together in Austin at SXSW. I can't believe how we only had four days there. My family - People whom I haven't met in 13 years were there every day, supported and hung out. How do you sum up 13 years in four days?
I saw woxy.com's line-up for this year's SXSW broadcast. Great bands and this time there will be two Swedish contributions - Shout Out Louds and Peter Morén from Peter, Bjorn and John. I hope they do great and that everything works out great - Matt, Mike and Joe are the greatest and woxy.com is very close to my heart - Listen to woxy.com here!
The lily and roses I got from David for Valentines Day smell lovely - They are so beautiful. Flowers are all over the parks now - Yellow, white and blue. Kind of early but since there has been now snow or winter to speak of - It's not that strange. Global warming I guess.
I have a lovely new friend that's from Greenland and she told me that these past years have been really strange up there. Summer temperatures around 29 degrees C / 84 degrees F and in the winter they have been having to take the boat to the closest big city for shopping - That instead of driving over ice. There we go. It's getting hot in here and I want to get out.
I really need to go out now.
Does anybody have any stories about flying transatlantic with cats?
XO,
Sara
Swarming and Full Camel
This town is swarming of bad people with opinions built out of lies. I can't keep hiding all my life and every time I go out I feel I have to hide. Like leprosy it spread and I wonder if the people carrying the opinions are aware of the amount of falseness in them. I see relatives, girlfriends and followers to the people, all of them whom I'd rather vanish from forever. I get sick to my stomach. Some of them even try to say hi in a certain tone and I wonder if it is to spite me and/or make me insecure. I just really need to be gone from here. Hopefully then I could write something else on this blog other than this. Hopefully I could regain my self-esteem and record some songs for you again. I have a lot written but not the belief in myself to go forth with the recordings. I also feel this DISTURBING feeling of limitation when writing on this blog. I mean - I can't even write about the true meaning of my songs 'cause I'm afraid that if I do, The people - The non-faces, will start writing wicked lies and start spreading them over the net again. There is already to much BS out there...
On another note - What helps me, as some of you might have read earlier, is yoga and the type of yoga for me is Bikram Yoga. I've been practicing yoga for about ten years and my first Bikram Yoga class was in 2003 in Stockholm. It took two and a half to three years before I could start to practice it regularly here in Malmö. This past year I've been practicing almost every day. Here is my favorite posture. In Bikram Yoga it's called Full Camel - Poorna Ustrasana. Backbending in yoga is powerful and it involves a lot of feelings getting stirred up before they get cleared. I could go on forever about that but I just wanted to share something that's not about trouble... If Camel posture rearranges your feelings then imagine the feeling of getting cleared up in this Full Camel. It really makes me be able to breath again.
On another note - What helps me, as some of you might have read earlier, is yoga and the type of yoga for me is Bikram Yoga. I've been practicing yoga for about ten years and my first Bikram Yoga class was in 2003 in Stockholm. It took two and a half to three years before I could start to practice it regularly here in Malmö. This past year I've been practicing almost every day. Here is my favorite posture. In Bikram Yoga it's called Full Camel - Poorna Ustrasana. Backbending in yoga is powerful and it involves a lot of feelings getting stirred up before they get cleared. I could go on forever about that but I just wanted to share something that's not about trouble... If Camel posture rearranges your feelings then imagine the feeling of getting cleared up in this Full Camel. It really makes me be able to breath again.
Picture from bikramyoga.com
Send in the Clowns
I remember the humid air buzzing of locusts and then getting hit by the air-conditioning's perfect temperature carrying the aroma from the most splendid foods you can imagine and the sound of a grand piano playing.
I could have been about three or four and going to The Northwood Club with my American grandmother and grandfather to drink, eat and swim was one of my favorite things to do. For those of you who don't know what a Country Club is I'll explain. A Country Club per definition is a private club with recreational activities like golfing, tennis, swimming and spa. You generally have to apply or be invited by someone and it's pretty expensive. Since my grandparents were pretty wealthy they could afford such memberships. They later moved to Dallas Country Club but that's a whole other story that is wonderful and I'll tell you about it some other time.
It was me in a pink and white, small checkered dress and golden locks entering the dining area. Suddenly the music stopped and a man popped out his head from behind the piano. He looked at me and started to play again. This man - Lets call him the piano man - Always played my, at that time, favorite tunes. The musical songs "Send in the Clowns" from A Little Night Music and "Memory" from Cats. Mom and I requested the songs once and EVERY single time I entered the room after that the piano man would play them. My favorite of the two was "Send in the Clowns".
I turn 30 on July 23rd this year. I'm sitting here writing this and I'm listening to Judy Collins version of "Send in the Clowns". Her voice has that brittle sound and it aches of empathy. You might know her from her backing vocals on Leonard Cohen's "Susanne". He's one of my all time favorites but that too is a whole different story that might appear here sometime. I'm in a sentimental and existential period of my life right now so listening to the song is kind of hard. The song is about the classic theme of two people parting but in my head and in this time of my life it could just as well be about parting from a place, life or era that has come to an end. That is where I'm at right now fortunately with David by my side. We could surely use some clowns around here.
I wonder what he's doing now - The piano man. Is he alive? He would probably be my father's age so I guess if nothing has happened to him, that he would still be alive. I get moved every time I think how this man made the little girl happy - How he made me happy by playing these songs. He made me feel so special. Did he know that? Does he know that now - 27 or so years after - I sit here, moved to tears. Thinking about what he did for me makes my heart warm - Still - After all these years.
I might just record a cover of "Send in the Clowns" one day. I wish I knew his name - The piano man. If anybody knows anything about him - The man who played piano at Northwood Club in Dallas, Texas sometime in the beginning of the 80ies - Let me know.
/Sara
Groundhog Day
Clock rings at 8.30 - I sleep in until 11.00 - One more day in Malmö - Am I still here?
Sit at the computer - Check the pages I conduct to see if anybody's trying to contact me.
Surf some meaningful /-less matters and then give up.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get anxious or angry.
Eat a belated breakfast and finish my tea.
Search for a job, continue to surf meaningless matters, or take a walk.
Buy lunch - Cook lunch - Eat Lunch.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get sad.
Prepare for yoga practice.
Bike/walk to yoga practice.
Help Mine with the studio routines before opening - Open - Guide newcomers and assist.
Yoga practice - Kill myself as much as I can.
Help clean studio.
Bike home.
Buy dinner - Cook dinner - Eat dinner.
Watch reruns on TV.
Think - How many more reruns will I watch - Question my life here in Malmö once again.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get empty.
Make way for a new day by going to bed thinking - Tomorrow will be exactly the same.
Sit at the computer - Check the pages I conduct to see if anybody's trying to contact me.
Surf some meaningful /-less matters and then give up.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get anxious or angry.
Eat a belated breakfast and finish my tea.
Search for a job, continue to surf meaningless matters, or take a walk.
Buy lunch - Cook lunch - Eat Lunch.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get sad.
Prepare for yoga practice.
Bike/walk to yoga practice.
Help Mine with the studio routines before opening - Open - Guide newcomers and assist.
Yoga practice - Kill myself as much as I can.
Help clean studio.
Bike home.
Buy dinner - Cook dinner - Eat dinner.
Watch reruns on TV.
Think - How many more reruns will I watch - Question my life here in Malmö once again.
Look at the guitar and think of how much I enjoy playing music but there is a block between it and me - A physical and psychological block THEY put there.
Get empty.
Make way for a new day by going to bed thinking - Tomorrow will be exactly the same.
January 8th, 2008
David is checking the compressor to start recording a double miced piano. The sun is out and I can see blue skies for the first time in weeks - More clouds are rolling in so it probably won't be clear for long. Dave Grohl lists six principles of a happy, successful life on msn.com - I read it - Did Dave really list this? Maya, I'm sending thoughts to you - You don't need a wicked boyfriend - No one does - You need a beautiful one. Karin, I hope your leg is better.
I heard screams outside my window and they sounded almost like fighting cats but they were Magpies (Magpie = Skata) fighting! Three of them jumping on each other pecking. I banged my window and they flew away - Shattered - A couple of meters away and stared at each other. This made me think of Lisa Germano's latest release - A WONDERFUL album. There are birds on the cover - Even a Magpie. I'm listening.
Revelation - I found out I actually like figs. I've always liked dates so one would have thought that I might have liked figs but I haven't - Until now.
I have to start working on new translations. I finished a mastodon part before Christmas and I've been reluctant to start on a new one. Not that I think that it'll be as big as the other one. It's fun but it messes with your mind. I'm translating the product text for different brands of organic and biodynamic body care. Words like revitalizing, enhance, tranquilizing and essential get stuck in your head until you find yourself walking around like a human add machine...
I have to start recording again. It's been so hard and I've been trying to pep talk myself. I found a new shitty thing about me on the I-net the other day which made me come so close to quitting everything and move to a isolated place. My dad practiced Karate. He had a 4th dan black belt and a sensei of his own in Japan. He almost converted to Zen Buddhism. This was when I was about 2. I remember it like it was yesterday. Seeing him coming up the road in front of my grandmother's house. He came from Japan. I couldn't see it was my dad. He looked like an old lady, draped in a large trench coat and a big fuzzy "old lady's knitted hat" because he had shaved off his shoulder long, wavy brown hair. I've always thought that if everything comes tumbling down - If the world becomes too much - I would crawl to a Zen Buddhist convent, never to return. My options nowadays could also include a place of yoga - Not an Ashram - Just a place close to good people and great practice.
I have great songs lying around waiting to get recorded. I have to - What else can I do.
It's totally cloudy outside. Again.
XO,
Sara
I heard screams outside my window and they sounded almost like fighting cats but they were Magpies (Magpie = Skata) fighting! Three of them jumping on each other pecking. I banged my window and they flew away - Shattered - A couple of meters away and stared at each other. This made me think of Lisa Germano's latest release - A WONDERFUL album. There are birds on the cover - Even a Magpie. I'm listening.
Revelation - I found out I actually like figs. I've always liked dates so one would have thought that I might have liked figs but I haven't - Until now.
I have to start working on new translations. I finished a mastodon part before Christmas and I've been reluctant to start on a new one. Not that I think that it'll be as big as the other one. It's fun but it messes with your mind. I'm translating the product text for different brands of organic and biodynamic body care. Words like revitalizing, enhance, tranquilizing and essential get stuck in your head until you find yourself walking around like a human add machine...
I have to start recording again. It's been so hard and I've been trying to pep talk myself. I found a new shitty thing about me on the I-net the other day which made me come so close to quitting everything and move to a isolated place. My dad practiced Karate. He had a 4th dan black belt and a sensei of his own in Japan. He almost converted to Zen Buddhism. This was when I was about 2. I remember it like it was yesterday. Seeing him coming up the road in front of my grandmother's house. He came from Japan. I couldn't see it was my dad. He looked like an old lady, draped in a large trench coat and a big fuzzy "old lady's knitted hat" because he had shaved off his shoulder long, wavy brown hair. I've always thought that if everything comes tumbling down - If the world becomes too much - I would crawl to a Zen Buddhist convent, never to return. My options nowadays could also include a place of yoga - Not an Ashram - Just a place close to good people and great practice.
I have great songs lying around waiting to get recorded. I have to - What else can I do.
It's totally cloudy outside. Again.
XO,
Sara
Here's to 2008...
Outside are fireworks - They've been going on for weeks but I guess they have been increasing the closer we get to 2008. I don't like New Years Eve... Too chaotic... But anyway - Here's to 2008.
2007 was the worst year and the best year at the same time.
The random best things of 2007:
The random worst things of 2007:
Cheers and hugs,
Sara
2007 was the worst year and the best year at the same time.
The random best things of 2007:
- David proposing to me - Is on the top of all the best things so random comes below.
- USA - Meeting my fathers side of the family for the first time in 10-13 years! Oh sweet reunion - I love you guys!
- Scott Dixon (and Richard Garcia over the phone from SXSW) finally meeting again!
- USA - Playing at woxy.com at SXSW and opening for Oppenheimer in New Haven.
- Meeting Rocky (you are an angel) of Oppenheimer with whom I've been MySpace messaging and emailing with for ages! Both Shaun and Rocky are the greatest people out there amongst bands. Yes, Gerry You are great too ;o)
- Matt and Mike @ woxy.com for being ever so supportive :o)
- Singing on an Oppenheimer recording.
- Meeting Dan in New York.
- Mine you have saved me so many times.
- Bikram Yoga Malmö finally got a permanent home!
- Per Nordborg(?), Peter Broch, Daniel Jansson, Anders Weberg for support and words.
- Mom - Lill Culler for financing the cover for "Miss Takes - Light The Night!" and for helping me stand up when I barely could breath...
- Dad - George Culler for presenting me to China - Echo - Thank you too!
- Magnus Josefsson, Anders Mortensen, Steve Glenn and Niklas Nelldal - You give the word "friend" a face.
- Dolce Sicilia - Now that's Ice Cream!
- Ben of Radical Face - I told you once, Ben - Your CD is one of the best!
- Miss Takes - Light The Night!
- Jeremy of Fingertips Music.com
- The Bird and The Bee!
- Jill Buxrud - You've been gone for more than a decade but now, thanks to facebook, you're back!
- Restaurant Asien - The best Vietnamese food.
- Amanda @ the yoga studio for being this lovely supporting soul - Thanks for the organic food!
- Whole Foods.
- All the great people on MySpace + my blog and now also facebook that have endorsed and supported.
- Agneta Niemi för våra samtal om amöbor.
- My family here in Sweden.
The random worst things of 2007:
- The non-faces and devils playmates - You've kept me up 24/7 certain periods this year (and almost five more years but 2007 was enough). You will NEVER know how much you've hurt me with the lies and everything. I don't know if you know that I think of it EVERY day. Demons out and be gone. I wish it were that easy...
- Not getting anymore hours at my job.
- Cutting my left hand, index finger knuckle in a meet cutting machine taking a month to heel after the crappy handling by docs and nurses...
- The summer of 2007 - Which summer?
- The flue in NY.
Cheers and hugs,
Sara
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
FingertipsMusic.com's Favorite - Are You Sleeping
I talked about lists in the post yesterday and when I checked my email this morning I had one from the one of my best I-net acquaintances, Jeremy that conducts the great Fingertipsmusic.com. I'm on his FINGERTIPS FAVORITES: top free and legal MP3s of 2007 top 22 list with the song Are You Sleeping that he posted about in the beginning of the year. It's an honor, Jeremy! THANK YOU!!!
In other news: All of you with Facebook pages - Come and become a fan of me. It sounds so stupid but I didn't choose the expression - Friend is more fun and kind sounding. Sara Culler Fan Page @ Facebook
All of you living in the south part of Sweden - Check out Skane Direkt on Kanal Lokal where I will be playing 2-3 songs plus interview on Monday @ 18.00-19.00. Sorry but it's live and direct so you'll have to be on time to catch it.
Since I posted a post this close to yesterday make sure you read the other one too :o)
XO,
Sara
In other news: All of you with Facebook pages - Come and become a fan of me. It sounds so stupid but I didn't choose the expression - Friend is more fun and kind sounding. Sara Culler Fan Page @ Facebook
All of you living in the south part of Sweden - Check out Skane Direkt on Kanal Lokal where I will be playing 2-3 songs plus interview on Monday @ 18.00-19.00. Sorry but it's live and direct so you'll have to be on time to catch it.
Since I posted a post this close to yesterday make sure you read the other one too :o)
XO,
Sara
This complaining and ruthless nagging
I'm taking a break from adding vocals on David's tracks for his free download EP. It feels strange working on recordings again. I haven't done that since I recorded vocals for Oppenheimer. Speaking of which I can't wait for their new album!!!
It's strange how ones passions suddenly can get tossed around. After certain incidents and peoples actions I have really come to question my existence and also if I'm at all supposed to keep on struggling with music here in Sweden. Most of the business response I've gotten has come from abroad and the feeling I have about the who's-hot-and-who's-not way of living here in Sweden is as you all know not approved by myself... Belonging to the click, the group who keeps each other's backs - The different awards that are so typical for this time of year. Swedish nominees for - Level one - The same relations within the "underground band level" get nominated. Level two - The same relations within the "mainstream level" get nominated. No names but look at the different lists and you'll get the picture...
Today is Lucia. David woke me up with candles, saffron rolls that we baked yesterday evening whilst watching Heroes and a cup of tea. It's gray outside. It's like Narnia's 'The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe' minus the snow. Here some wicked witch or wizard, probably person, has cast a spell on the southern part of Sweden making it gray all year around - Never sun - Never snow - Just gray. It's really depressing.
I think there is something degenerative about mankind. Global warming and how stubborn humanity is. For example how slow freckin' Swedes are on taking actions. Even Swedish scientists were like -
"Oh - Al Gore is over exaggerating - Ices won't start melting yet - We say 50-100 years". Yeah, great guys - we'll be dead or living in a water world before you know it. Go and buy presents for your family and add to the statistics that show that Sweden is the country that consumes the most/capita of all the countries in the world - Crazy!!! Sweden is a lovely country and I can absolutely see myself growing old here but for now I need a break. That is why I'm planning on moving. Also - This complaining and ruthless nagging has to come to an end. I promise to stop pestering you with my semi bitterness ;o)
Speaking of lists. I usually list the year that has past but I'm quite reluctant to do so about this year. There are things that I would want to list - Want to write about but I'm afraid to. I might just do a best of list instead and leave all the B.S events and actions out of it. We'll see.
Speaking of recording - I might start to record a little something but I'm just waiting to install Battery or Redrum so that I can continue on the way I started with my song 'Keep The Silence' that is to be released as a single with me on side A and David & the Citizens on side B. You'll get to hear it soon enough.
I have to go and have a second breakfast now.
Thanks for your time!
Sincerely, Sara
It's strange how ones passions suddenly can get tossed around. After certain incidents and peoples actions I have really come to question my existence and also if I'm at all supposed to keep on struggling with music here in Sweden. Most of the business response I've gotten has come from abroad and the feeling I have about the who's-hot-and-who's-not way of living here in Sweden is as you all know not approved by myself... Belonging to the click, the group who keeps each other's backs - The different awards that are so typical for this time of year. Swedish nominees for - Level one - The same relations within the "underground band level" get nominated. Level two - The same relations within the "mainstream level" get nominated. No names but look at the different lists and you'll get the picture...
Today is Lucia. David woke me up with candles, saffron rolls that we baked yesterday evening whilst watching Heroes and a cup of tea. It's gray outside. It's like Narnia's 'The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe' minus the snow. Here some wicked witch or wizard, probably person, has cast a spell on the southern part of Sweden making it gray all year around - Never sun - Never snow - Just gray. It's really depressing.
I think there is something degenerative about mankind. Global warming and how stubborn humanity is. For example how slow freckin' Swedes are on taking actions. Even Swedish scientists were like -
"Oh - Al Gore is over exaggerating - Ices won't start melting yet - We say 50-100 years". Yeah, great guys - we'll be dead or living in a water world before you know it. Go and buy presents for your family and add to the statistics that show that Sweden is the country that consumes the most/capita of all the countries in the world - Crazy!!! Sweden is a lovely country and I can absolutely see myself growing old here but for now I need a break. That is why I'm planning on moving. Also - This complaining and ruthless nagging has to come to an end. I promise to stop pestering you with my semi bitterness ;o)
Speaking of lists. I usually list the year that has past but I'm quite reluctant to do so about this year. There are things that I would want to list - Want to write about but I'm afraid to. I might just do a best of list instead and leave all the B.S events and actions out of it. We'll see.
Speaking of recording - I might start to record a little something but I'm just waiting to install Battery or Redrum so that I can continue on the way I started with my song 'Keep The Silence' that is to be released as a single with me on side A and David & the Citizens on side B. You'll get to hear it soon enough.
I have to go and have a second breakfast now.
Thanks for your time!
Sincerely, Sara