Sara Culler

Well. Mood follows the weather and there's a storm wake.

Saturday my hubby and I went out to enjoy a beer. Ended up meeting a girl from the yoga studio that is a very warm and kind person - We had a lovely chat. On our way home we came to talk about the past and people contrary to the yoga friend. People from the past that really made us sick and out of the blue on what was the haze on a Saturday night at Möllevången in Malmö three of the big bugs came flying… Intestinal parasites in a way. I've stated the obvious more than once. I have to get out of here.

Sunday night I spent time in front of a documentary on a kid with Aspergers. The unwillingness people have to learn about what is beyond words and behavior - The shell of a human - Is to me frightening. He had a diagnosis. I wonder how much of that so called diagnosis would be left if you peel off the layers of years of bullying. The layers of social paint that are so hard to wash out. The layers that I struggle so hard with almost every day. I don't have a syndrome, diagnosis or anything like that. I'm just discolored… I pass out a Internet hug to you, Adam. You are worth more than you know and give yourself credit for. 'Cause that's the hard part. Giving oneself credit when there is no warmth towards the self left inside. When they have stolen it or frozen it. I hope Adam was right in his view of the future - Going on into the world of high school. He said something like it will probably be easier to make friends and meet girls because people are more grownup and will know more automatically therefore not be mean and bully. Oh I hope for Adams sake that his thoughts came true.

Here in my world grownups are the enemies. They haven't come that far from the mean little clicks of kids that beat each up around the schoolyard or call each other bad things. Adults degrade, slander, isolate and freeze you out. The problem with many of them is that they know EXACTLY what they are doing - Instead of physical the get psychological. They are not kids that do not understand better. The fully understand and they even plan and network themselves around you. Keep feeding the fire even though years pass and social interaction doesn't exist. Thanks to the Internet anyone can join in - Join the party in ruining a person's life. Oh what fun and it makes them grow and feel so much better, right? When will I get over the feeling of worthlessness? When will I be able to move on? I don't necessarily want to forget. Well maybe I would like to forget the massive implosion that was a tour a couple of years ago. The combined strain and environment lived in on the road resembled so many other tours and caused so much hidden frustration and feelings to burst and resulted in a hotel room, razor and a very bloody towel. How did I get that close? Didn't that sign yell loud enough at me - GET OUT? Nights - The time when the barrier can't hold the thoughts back. How many sad nights didn't I think about the old codeine pills in my bedside table, the cough medicine in the fridge containing morphine? How many times didn't I try a little of it when I really didn't have any ailments other than the constant voices in my head? The echo of their words and I wanted to quiet them. The echo of voices that soon faded and turned into an eerie silence when they started the freeze out.

I wish I could stop beating around the bush and tell you all the entire story instead of these abstract feelings around it. Let the truth reach the Internet - Which would be about time… I will someday. Maybe then I'll be able to break the chains that keep me fettered to a past that I don't necessarily want to se forgotten. I'd rather come to peace with it and turn it into something of use, something good. But for now this is what it is. Today my thoughts are with Adam.

/S