Is religion trying to tell me something?

The sun is out but I feel like shit. When is all this going to come to an end? When will I be strong enough to let go, release and let things be? Come to peace.

This year four years ago I was diagnosed with skin cancer - The most lethal form of cancer there is. I was lucky they caught it on time and I only required two sessions of surgery. A few years before that I tore the ligaments and meniscus in my left leg and got extremely ill when a blood clot followed and I had to eat blood thinners for half a year. A few years before that I had surgery because they found a big tumor on my thyroid (sköldkörtel). All these events strangely enough happened the week around Easter every one of the years. I think that can add to the fact that I always feel easily vulnerable around this time. Maybe this is religion trying to tell me something - Team up with Jesus or something like that. Unfortunately I'm a cynic. I tend to paint things in black rather than hoping for a positive change and start to believe in Jesus, the universe or whatever is out there and that is dangerous when it comes to the illnesses I've had. I have to learn to hope again. If I can't stop the negative feelings in my life caused by others OR myself I might get ill again. I need a change... I miss my friend, Ginny. She lives on an island off the coast of Seattle in the US of A. That's just way too far away...

I'm going to go down in the basement to do some laundry and maybe after that I'll go sit on a bench in the park like some old person...

David wrote a lovely piece of what his fist two albums actually were about - His mothers death. It's in Swedish. Aren't we a jolly couple???

Fight or Flee

It's noon and we just finished watching "Little Miss Sunshine" while having breakfast. GREAT movie. David finally rented it yesterday and we've been wanting to see it for ages. Unfortunately yesterday became "too-late-and-too-tired-to-watch-a-good-movie-ish" so we watched a crappy movie with commercial breaks on TV instead.

I got an email from my dad today and also a good comment on my blog. Thanks to Dad and M for inspiring me to write this blog. I'll see if I can touch the subject without going too far from the essence.

I've been torn between the two - Fight or flee. I can sometimes feel that I have done wrongly in posting true feelings on this blog. Feelings that should not be published but kept in my own private sphere. What made me post has not only been my frustration and feeling of if I don't post - I'll explode. I also chose to post because I asked myself what I would like from some creative person to share. I know I've always loved the close feeling I get to music I like. I would love to know the person more and what is going on in the head that is creating the music I love and spend so much time with. What keeps the mind ticking and what keep the songs coming? I chose to post things that could answer at least one or two of the questions that would pop up in my own head if I were someone listening to myself and not knowing the person that is me - Sara.

I took a break and thought that I was going to take a walk... It didn't happen so now I'm writing again.

I haven't posted a lot of things. It's sad 'cause I know I would love to post a word document I have lying here on the computer. It's a document containing descriptions of what thoughts and stories lie behind my demos and what lies behind every song from "Miss Takes - Light The Night!". The sad part about that is that the descriptions are very personal. I would love for people to know what my songs really are about but since things have been out of hand for me and since there are some people out there turning truth around to stab David and I in the back both he and I choose not to write. Our real honest and true feelings would be to write it all out. But what would be the outcome of it? ...

I believe I have the right to go on about things on this blog. I think it's important to write. I think that if a businessperson that would like to sign me passes by and reads my blog and thinks - That sure was unprofessionally written - Then screw them! I believe that the 100+ new people a day that reads this and the 100+ people who visit regularly come here to read 'cause they are interested. I also know that some come here to fish for self-esteem boosting stuff when I'm down and out and to that I say - Good for you! I'm glad my misery can make you feel better. That's a really tragic life these people have going that need other peoples misery to keep them going and feeling better about themselves. For instance - Take tabloids and the how media is witch hunting poor Britney Spears - Because people want to read about crap - True or false - Just to make them feel better! Sometimes I wish I could really, fully and truly turn my back towards humanity...

So I guess what I've been doing here would be an almost silent fight or a coward's way to flee. I'm afraid to write all that's been going on but I'm not totally quiet. I moan and complain in words without music at the moment. There will be more music. You just wait and see. And then maybe someday, SOMEDAY when we are far away from here. I'll write the full entire truth instead of beating around the bush. Not fighting, not fleeing. Merely telling the truth and blogging about it.


For those of you who don't know what that other post was about - Let's just say that people have spread a rumor that is nothing more that a disgusting lie built upon more lies. And as the story spreads it evolves into stranger and stranger things. You know that whispering game when you whisper into another person's ear and then that person passes it on to the next etc. Something like:

She's got a nice rug.
That can easily get transformed into:
She's rotten ass bug.

What went in is not exactly what comes out... ... ... Basically like poo - Even a nice, fresh salad stinks when it comes out... ... ...

If you know what I mean. Don't believe everything you read or hear. There are some people out there that have done some really bad things towards David and me and instead of letting it show they cover it all up with lies. Even though I know all the crap that is being said about me isn't true I feel that the more I see and know the harder it is for me to brace myself and detach myself from it. Since my story goes waaaay back - About five years (even more) - I have been bracing and detaching for a long time. What can seem a minor hit to you becomes a big hit for me. I bet some of you know what I mean. I know, of all the several hundred that check my blog every day, some of you have to know what it feels like to be bullied. Don't you? BTW - Thanks to Janina - The only one who dared to place a comforting comment.

Every day my mind keeps racing - Constantly struggling to keep the bad thoughts from taking over. The only brake I get is during my 90 minute Bikram Yoga class - That's when I shut off. Entirely. Once a day or two times a day. 90 minutes of stillness in 41 degrees Celsius/105 degrees Fahrenheit/50% humidity when my body sweats, bends, stretches and compresses. Control of fight and flee response - Try to apply that upon the life that is outside the yoga studio... This is the only time my brain gives me a break. No analyzing and no beating down. Just stillness. In that warm room where nobody can catch me, touch me or break me. I'm unbreakable and undefeatable.

My favorite - Full Camel once again.

Picture from

For all of you in the States - Go check out Oppenheimer opening for They Might Be Giants. I wish I could. I'm soon to be selling everything I own just to be able to get out of this country to the US so that I can see them more often. Tour dates are on their MySpace
here. My dear Belfast boys - If only everyone could be as great as you are!